Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
