you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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