This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
