i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
