BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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