the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
