sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
