Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
