Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
