How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
