if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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