Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
