It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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