you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
