This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
