Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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