The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
