If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
