how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
