Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
