Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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