Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
