i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it because I queefed?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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