This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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