Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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