i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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