drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
