I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
