The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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