wanna go halves on a baby?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize