I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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