i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
