it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize