I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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