I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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