He uses pillows to masturbate.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
