Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Randomize
