nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
