I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
be right there i have to get my cape
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize