u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
