please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
