It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
