I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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