The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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