shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
