I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
