I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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