If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
