4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
