I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
