All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
