I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
