she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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