my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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