is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
