Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
