My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
