someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
