booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
