What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
