1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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