My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
