I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
