I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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