You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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