my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I supernannyed him into submission
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
